“Krissy rubbed her eyes and yawned and realized that she felt hopeful. What lay ahead? She had no idea. But whatever happened, she knew that she’d manage, because nothing could ever be as bad as living with Dorian. And now she knew that she didn’t have to.”
That’s where we find Krissy, in this much anticipated sequel to Leaving Dorian; having survived one full day outside of Dorian’s grasp, wondering what comes next. The journey that follows spans twenty years. A second marriage becomes the mechanism through which Krissy attempts to navigate her trauma and repair her forever broken heart. Being forced to manage an abusive ex-husband who quickly learns to weaponize law enforcement, the family court system and even his own children, only compounds the undiagnosed CPTSD that weighs so heavily on her narrow shoulders for more than a decade. And while the duty of motherhood shapes nearly every aspect of her life, the need to reach out to women who have also suffered at the hands of men who claim to love them eventually becomes a catalyst of change.
Finding Krissy: A Memoir of Survival is all at once eloquent, fierce and heart-breaking. More than just ‘the rest of the story’, Finding Krissy is Linda Dynel’s impassioned plea: “For anyone who’s ever given their power away – reclaim yourself”.
September 3/October 5 – University at Buffalo School of Law, with Professor Judith Olin
October 7 – Niagara University, with Dr. Dana Radatz – Domestic Violence class
October 19 – Finding Our Voices Book Club, with Patrisha McClean
November 9 – University at Buffalo School of Social Work, with Dr. Rob Keefe – Human Behavior class
November 23 – UB School of Social Work, Drs. Noelle & Chris St. Vil – Human Behavior
December 8 – Featured in Niagara Falls, NY Zonta “16 Days of Activism” Campaign
December 13 – Wilson High School, After School Dating Violence Prevention Program
December 21 – Niagara County Law Enforcement Academy, Niagara County Community College
It’s about time and I, for one, am here for it. Thank you Rep. Burke for stepping up. Long past due that this garbage-human was removed from our collective conscience.
“A state lawmaker from South Buffalo is calling on Terry and Kim Pegula to remove the name of O.J. Simpson from the Wall of Fame at Highmark Stadium. In a letter to the Pegulas, Assemblyman Patrick Burke said Simpson’s character disqualifies him from the right to be recognized alongside the likes of former player Bob Kalsu, who was killed in action in the Vietnam War, and The 12th Man, the affectionate name given to honor the team’s loyal fan base.” Read the article in it’s entirety:
Though Spring semester ended well before it was supposed to thanks to COVID19, I was busier than ever! I was so fortunate to be invited to work more than a dozen dates with The Erie County DV High Risk Team at Spectrum Mental Health Services, Best Self Behavioral, as well as for Assigned Counsel with the Erie County Court System. I also started working with The University at Buffalo Law School, and of course made my way out *very* early one morning to speak with Health classes at Hamburg High School 🙂 The most disappointing part of the semester was not being able to complete all of the dates scheduled. Hilbert College was cancelled completely, as was my trip out to Western Michigan University Even my Skype session with students at Loyola University at New Orleans ended up needing to be cancelled. On the upside, we all figured out how to conduct really productive Zoom meetings and I even got to meet Sunny the Therapy Dog!
One perk to COVID19? I suddenly have plenty of time to work on my new book, the sequel to Leaving Dorian. I’ve also decided to do an audio book, of sorts. It will be *free* and will be made available within the next couple of weeks. The formal announcement for that will be posted on all of my social media Monday, March 30.
There’s always a silver lining, ladies and gentlemen; you just need to be willing to look for it. Or as Dolly is fond of saying, “You don’t get the rainbow without a little rain.”
It was a looooooong semester!!
On Saturday, April 7, I spoke at the “Dress for What’s Next” event at the University at Buffalo School of Law. This free, all day event for survivors of domestic violence was put on by an all-volunteer team of UB Law School students. Daycare and lunch were provided for women and their children and there was even a therapy dog on site 🖤 Meditation and self-defense classes were offered, support and referral information was provided and there was even an opportunity for the ladies to do a little “gently used” clothes shopping👗👠👜 Impressive from beginning to end and I was absolutely honored to be asked to be a part of it!
If I could use only one word to describe this semester, it would be “busy”!
Miss Representation: You Can’t Be What You Can’t See A Documentary Film by Jennifer Siebel Newsom
Tough Guise: Violence, Media & The Crisis in Masculinity with Jackson Katz
Tough Guise 2: Violence, Manhood & American Culture featuring Jackson Katz
The Mask You Live In: Is American Masculinity Harming Our Boys, Men & Society at Large? A Film by Jennifer Siebel Newsom
Feminists: What Were They Thinking? A Documentary Film by Johanna Demetrakas
The Bystander Moment: Transforming Rape Culture at its Roots featuring Jackson Katz
No matter how compassionate or understanding a person you think you are, at some point you’re going to be a little judge-y.
Everybody scoffs. Everybody – everybody – shakes their head and screws up their mouth and (in a moment of weakness) decides that the way that someone else is choosing to conduct themselves is wrong. We look at someone’s life or their current situation or their reaction to a rough patch and think, “I would never do that!” This is especially true of domestic violence. Comments like, “I would never let a man put his hands on me!” or “I would never put my children through that!” are incredibly common.
And so … maybe that’s actually the case. Maybe you wouldn’t. Maybe your reaction would be different than someone else’s. But then again, how can you be sure? The reality is that until you’re in a given situation, you really don’t know how you’d react.
Because I work with DV victims and survivors as well as those who serve them, I was honestly of the opinion that I (mostly) understood the overall plight of the battered woman. Fortunately for me, I live in a county where the local FCS (ours is Family & Children’s Service of Niagara) offers the In Her Shoes DV Awareness Program.
I initially registered to attend because while I’ve worked with Family & Children’s Service of Niagara in the past, I was recently made aware that their Director of Passage House, Larissa Bachman, is using Leaving Dorian as a supplemental read with their interns. It got me to thinking that while I know quite a bit about FCS, I know little about the inner workings of Passage House. I thought what a great opportunity to speak candidly with Larissa and her team and as a bonus maybe do a blog post about the In Her Shoes Program.
I was completely unprepared for the experience that followed.
Participants were brought into a mixed-use room where I’d worked previously, only this time instead of rows of chairs there were long tables with stacks of colorful note cards. Each table had a sign attached: “Social Services”, “Hospital”, “Employment”, etc. Attendees were then paired up and we were told to pick a person’s name from the starter table. After that the journey begins; you are to make choices for your person while reading their perspective (as well as their batterer’s perspective) from each side of the card.
Because I’m a survivor of DV and because I work with amazing DV professionals and ridiculously intelligent and well-read professors and because I, too, have chosen to be well-read on the topic, I walked into the exercise feeling confident that I could help my person to avoid the inevitable pitfalls. There was no doubt in my mind that I would be able to guide her into a healthy lifestyle well within the hour or so time frame we’d been given to complete the exercise.
Within minutes I realized that I was wrong.
There’s no way that you can prepare yourself to be given the opportunity to make every choice from beginning to end and still “fail”. There’s no way to prepare yourself to walk through nearly forty-five minutes with a person (yes, a person written on paper, but one that you slowly and inadvertently invest yourself in) just to get to the last card and have it say “Funeral Home”.
I couldn’t believe it. Tears started to well in my eyes. I stood there trying to figure it out; why was the end result so hard to take? I mean, I thought I had it. I thought I knew. I am the “Her” in “In Her Shoes”, after all! I’ve been there. I’ve done that. And even beyond my own experience – as an author who’s made myself extremely accessible on social media – I routinely hear the most sad, perplexing and gut wrenching stories from victims and survivors alike. I thought nothing could surprise or shock me. And yet, tears.
I was seriously under the weather and probably should have stayed home that day, so I immediately wanted to blame it on that; I simply wasn’t feeling well. But the young woman that I was paired with didn’t like the ending either. I said, “Let’s go back…” So we did. Our character was young; not even eighteen. We had her go home. And yet, three cards in, she was right back in a tough spot. I suggested we go back even further, maybe right back to the second card that we read.
I was shaken. That couldn’t be her ending. I refused to finish the exercise. I simply would not walk over to the wall marker that said “Funeral Home”. There was nothing but an empty table in front of it. No more cards. It was left empty for reflection, but I didn’t want to reflect. I dried my eyes as the group sat down for debriefing.
I was happy to find out that not every story ended as tragically as ours. Other groups did manage to successfully maneuver their people into new lives. It’s worth noting, though, that at times these groups had to make choices for their person that weren’t always in line with their real-life belief systems. Again, an incredibly important lesson: You cannot impose your value system on someone else. Hard to hear? Sometimes, yes. But a necessary message? Absolutely.
Of course Ms. Bachman and her team were excellent facilitators and I’d like to believe that every attendee walked out that afternoon with all of their questions answered and with a deeper appreciation of the level of strength, courage, creativity and (sometimes) blind faith that victims routinely have to possess in order to safely and successfully re-start their lives. I know that I did. It was a humbling experience that I will carry with me; one that will necessarily be reflected in every presentation and classroom discussion that I participate in from now on.
I’m incredibly proud to be able to say that Family & Children’s Service of Niagara is my hometown service provider and that the staff there is offering unique, high-quality community education programs like In Her Shoes. Programs like these (offered in house or off-site) are exactly what HR professionals are looking for when putting together sensitivity training for Staff Development Days. Their utilization can only heighten awareness and bring about much needed change in our thought processes (and eventually, our behavior toward) victims of domestic violence.
If you are in Western New York, you can contact FCS of Niagara to schedule an In Her Shoes program experience at http://www.niagarafamily.org or by phone: (716) 285-6984
If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence and is need of assistance, FCS of Niagara 24/7 Emergency Hotline is: (716) 299-0909
To purchase the In Her Shoes program please contact http://www.wscadv.org