What Is Financial Abuse?

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  • Forbidding the victim to work
  • Sabotaging work or employment opportunities by stalking or harassing the victim at the workplace or causing the victim to lose her job by physically battering prior to important meetings or interviews
  • Controlling how all of the money is spent
  • Not allowing the victim access to bank accounts
  • Withholding money or giving “an allowance”
  • Not including the victim in investment or banking decisions
  • Forbidding the victim from attending job training or advancement opportunities
  • Forcing the victim to write bad checks or file fraudulent tax returns
  • Running up large amounts of debt on joint accounts, taking bad credit loans
  • Refusing to work or contribute to the family income
  • Withholding funds for the victim or children to obtain basic needs such as food and medicine
  • Hiding assets
  • Stealing the victim’s identity, property or inheritance
  • Forcing the victim to work in a family business without pay
  • Refusing to pay bills and ruining the victims’ credit score
  • Forcing the victim to turn over public benefits or threatening to turn the victim in for “cheating or misusing benefits”
  • Filing false insurance claims
  • Refusing to pay  or evading child support or manipulating the divorce process by drawing it out by hiding or not disclosing assets

Excerpted from nnedv.org

What Is Stalking?

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The kinds of acts that make up stalking include, but are not limited to, the following:

  • Following or surveillance
  • Inappropriate approaches and confrontations
  • Repeated, uninvited appearances at work or residence
  • Unwanted telephone calls or texts
  • Threatening the victim
  • Threatening the victim’s family and friends
  • Unwanted letters, e-mails, gifts
  • Repeatedly sending unwanted emails or texts to the victim
  • Using online social media inappropriately
  • Damaging the victim’s property
  • Physical assault
  • Sexual assault
  • Assaulting or killing the victim’s pet
  • Spreading false rumors
  • Filing false charges

Excerpted from Los Angeles College Consortium and usc.edu

To Tell or Not To Tell

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20170225_072244If you knew that a male friend or family member had stalked, harassed or abused his former partners (either because you witnessed the behavior or because he confided the information to you) would you feel morally obligated to tell his current partner? Are you a busy-body if you get involved? Do you only tell if she asks? Do you assume that he will be honest and tell her eventually? If you stay silent and he injures his current partner, would you feel partially responsible because you were aware that there was a potential for danger and said nothing? Are we responsible for other people’s safety?

Fall Semester, 2016

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20161211_121241Five schools, hundreds of students. I remember their faces and many of their names. More than once this semester I looked out at them looking back at me and thought, “This is crazy; how in the world did I get here?”

Well, I’m here primarily because while I thought that typing “The End” was the end, there’s a growing body of professors and helping professionals who have decided that Leaving Dorian is only a beginning.

When asked the first time if I would speak to a group of college students – as a sort of companion piece to the book – I was extremely hesitant. I didn’t think I had anything left to offer. I remember asking my husband, “I’ve already exposed my soul on paper; what else is there?” Turns out there are volumes that remain unwritten and there are students who are eager to read each and every page.

Because each class is learning about intimate partner violence from a different perspective, what I’ve set out to do is to become a living research project, of sorts. I encourage the students to poke around – to take a good look around my mind and heart and see for themselves what abuse looks like from the inside out. The goal is to see if they can connect the dots from my experience to what they’ve learned about in class.

The opportunity that I offer them isn’t an easy one; it takes real courage to look someone in the eye as you’re cutting them open, even when they’re the one who handed you the scalpel. But these young adults rise to the challenge; they take that scalpel and they cut and try and peel back the layers. They poke around and try and find the answers that they’ve read about but have not seen with their own eyes. Sometimes they find what they’re looking for easily and we build on their enthusiasm by cutting a little more, digging a little deeper. Other times I don’t have the answer; I don’t know exactly what they’re looking for (sometimes they don’t really know, either) and I ask them to try again. Cut again, I encourage them. Keep digging. Here, I’ll help you. They cut here and see what’s under there; they dig and I encourage them and their professors guide them and we, as a collective, try to extract the answers.

I’ve received stacks of glowing student evaluations this semester, most of which describe me as “brave”, “courageous” and “inspirational”. It’s heartening to know that the students view me in this way, but I have to admit that I would describe them in exactly those same terms; studying to be a helping professional isn’t for the faint of heart.

Fall semester 2016 was fantastic and I’m looking forward to revisiting new students in these courses again during the Fall of 2017!

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The Niagara University campus was WINDY that evening, though my frazzled appearance might also have something to do with the fact that I spent three hours hashing it out with these students from Dr. Dana Radatz CRJ 585 Domestic Violence class. I have real affection for this group, as I still see many of them when I visit the NU campus for other DV related events.

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You just never know what you’re walking into when you visit a campus for the first time. Nazareth’s Health Center brought me in for an evening presentation in support of DV Awareness Month. The podium was unlike any I’d used before (short!) and I couldn’t see my notes, even with my readers on. I tried to remedy the situation by kicking off my heels about ten minutes in but as it turned out, shorter wasn’t better. So… I ended up delivering the entire presentation sans shoes, notes and readers 🙂

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Because it was a campus-wide event, there were faculty and students from many different disciplines in attendance. Such great questions for me and interesting discussion afterward! I also loved that I was able to spend extra time with students who wanted to speak with me one-on-one long after the scheduled presentation time had come and gone.

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Presented to me by the Health Center interns: “Thank you so much for sharing your story with Nazareth College students and staff. We appreciate you taking the time to be with us.”

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Two day event in the Finger Lakes region for Hobart and William Smith Colleges.

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The room filled up with students and professors pretty quickly (past and present – some even brought their parents!) but there were folks from the community in attendance, as well.

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Talking about Emily Carson, a young mother of three who was murdered in downtown Geneva in February of 2016. She was shot twice by her boyfriend before he turned the gun on himself. It all happened one quiet Sunday morning while dozens of innocent bystanders became unintentional witnesses. His family was quoted afterward as saying that he “…wasn’t a violent guy.” I talk about how quickly an emotionally abusive relationship can turn violent, especially once a victim leaves or tries to leave.

 

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And this is how we do it – taking questions from Dr. Jim Sutton’s undergraduate Social Deviance class, Hobart & William Smith Colleges.

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Book signing 🙂 By the end of the class, many of the students are comfortable enough to share their own stories with me. Honestly, this is my favorite part of any presentation – meeting the students one-on-one!

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I wish my own children were as enthusiastic about having their picture taken with me as my students are! About half of the class is pictured here.

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I always take a very relaxed approach to presentations because the material can get extremely graphic and emotional. Reactions run the gamut; there are students who spend the entire class period furiously scribbling notes while others will cringe, get visibly agitated or need to leave the room to compose themselves. There are always survivors of violence in the room – always – and Dr. Noelle St. Vil’s Social Work class at the University at Buffalo was no different.

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It was very early on in this “public speaking” thing that I realized that I was going to need to sprinkle in a little levity here and there. When I smile, the students smile. When I poke fun, they laugh. It’s an essential element to making sure that the students can “hear” me. Yes, I tell them, what I lived through is terrible and no, it wasn’t fair and yes, I bear the scars of it – but – my life continues to move on and here are some of the dozens of silly, crazy, ridiculous stopping blocks I’ve had to overcome in the years since I left.

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Many graduate students are already working in the field; staffing shelters, working at local help centers or with law enforcement. Their timely, real-world anecdotes are helpful in generating discussion that goes beyond my experience and what they’ve learned about in class.

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I’d never Skyped a class before, so I was more that a little concerned that I wouldn’t be able to gain the emotional momentum needed to connect with the students. Happily, within minutes I realized that it wasn’t going to be an impediment; the students in Dr. Angie Moe’s SOC 4950 Family Violence Class at Western Michigan University made the best of the unusual set-up and filled the hour with really thoughtful, specific questions.

Presentation Reviews

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20161228_090617“I have been talking to my class as well as to folks who attended your evening presentation.  Everyone has shared thoughts that contained words like ‘amazing’, ‘incredible’ and ‘powerful’.  It is clear to me that your visit made an important contribution to their learning.” – Dr. James Sutton, Professor of Sociology, Hobart & William Smith Colleges

“I really appreciated how you were able to talk about such difficult material in an honest and down-to-earth manner. The Skype session with you was clearly the stand-out class period of the semester. It’s certainly not every day that college students can speak directly to the author of one of their reading assignments! You both reinforced and enhanced our collective understanding of the dynamics involved with intimate partner violence. We admire and respect you greatly.” – Dr. Angie Moe, Professor of Sociology, Western Michigan University

“I assigned ‘Leaving Dorian’ to my graduate level Domestic Violence course. From the very start, my students were enthralled and invested in her story. This was not only apparent in our class discussions, but also when Linda visited my class as a guest speaker; the three-hour time frame for the one-day per week course seemed to pass within minutes rather than hours, as we sat in a circle informally discussing her book. Linda’s visit was invaluable, not only to my students, but also to me. So much of what Linda shared in her visit with students aligned with my course material. Linda’s name frequently arose in classes after her visit, as many of the students (as well as myself) referenced Linda in subsequent classes. The ability to use examples from Linda’s book and her class visit was incredibly beneficial when teaching challenging concepts and driving home important points. Also, I find it important to note that at the end of the semester, when I asked for informal feedback on the course, every one of my students mentioned that Linda’s book and her visit were “absolute musts” for my future classes. Without a doubt, I firmly believe Linda positively impacted my students’ understanding of domestic violence, and cannot wait to have her visit Niagara University in future semesters!” – Dr. Dana Radatz, Professor of Criminology, Niagara University

From Student Evaluations Administered After Presentations:

The one thing I found most helpful about this presentation was:  “The openness of the conversation. We were allowed to ask whatever questions we were wondering.” – “How honest and understanding she was.” – “The statistics she gave were eye-opening and I really loved that she gave out packets of data, as well. She made her story so open and honest to us; it made it so real and incredibly motivating.” – “It was more of a discussion and not a strict lecture. She was very personable, funny and friendly.” – “The open discussion format. I liked the different directions that the presentation went in due to our ability to ask questions continuously.”  – “Her candor and honesty about a very difficult topic.” – “How open and honest she encouraged us to be.”

Other comments: “I love your style of presentation. Amazing experience!”  – “I really enjoyed your presentation and conversation we had!” – “I think your current role in the world is very important. Everyone needs to hear your story and other stories like it so we may be one step closer to implementing change.” – “I am so very thankful for Linda Dynel and strong individuals like herself who so bravely share their stories to educate and help complete strangers. It is because of people like her that brings bursts of light to those who feel they are alone in the dark.” – “Emotional and wonderful experience. Painful but cathartic.” – “So awesome! This book should be required by all colleges for their students to read!” – “This was an amazing presentation and I felt like it improved me as a person and as a social worker.” 

24th Annual Writer’s Digest Awards Review

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bookcoverFrom Judge #53, Annual Writer’s Digest Self-Published Book Awards, Category: Life Stories.

“Whenever a woman writes about her experience in being in an abusive relationship, she helps other women. This is exactly what Dynel has done with Leaving Dorian, which seems to be the author’s story written in third person, as if it were a novel. I appreciated the choice the author made in this perspective, for it conveys the necessity of a woman distancing herself from an abusive past. Dynel has done a brilliant job. The reader is immediately hooked by Kassy’s circumstances. Dynel does not depict Kassy as spineless victim, but she definitely is a girl who has had to deal with less than easy circumstances while still quite young. There seems to be limitless ways a woman can end up with an abusive man, and Dorian is both unique and classic in the ways he chooses to dominate. His manipulation of religion, his threats, and his belief he is always right are recognizable. I liked the way the author went back and forth from her escape with the little girls to the backdrop story of how she was snared to begin with. Dynel achieved this balance beautifully, succeeding where many other writers have failed. This book cannot fail to find a following, once a female audience is informed of its existence! The only mistake I found was in the spelling of a variation of the verb “to lie” (i.e. to recline) on page 139. “Laid down” should be “lay down.” I think better cover art could be made for a book as good as this. What I see is a bit plain.”

*27/30 points

So, a few of my own thoughts on the above review: On the whole, it’s fantastic. The judge has nothing but positive things to say about the structure, organization, pacing, plot and story appeal, character appeal and development as well as “voice” and writing style, and in fact gave me “5” in all of those categories, “1” being “Needs Improvement” and “5” being “Outstanding”. One grammatical error was found, which brought my spelling, punctuation and grammar score down to a “4”.

I used to stress about missing details like this, but over the last three years my husband has taken to pointing out misspellings and grammatical errors accidentally left in books by professional copy editors, so – I simply don’t take it to heart anymore when I miss what should be an obvious error, no matter how large or small. (Even in this case – throughout the review the Judge erroneously refers to my main character “Kassy”.) In the nearly three years since Leaving Dorian was published, no one has ever mentioned that error, so I’m thrilled that it was brought to my attention. The beauty of being a self-published author is that an error like this can easily be corrected. What irritates me, though, is what always irritates me when I enter my work into any generic sort of contest – the lack of understanding or consideration about why certain details of my book are done the way that they are.

The judge gave me a “3” on cover design, stating that it seemed “a bit plain”.

OK…. *deep sigh*…

When I sat down to write Leaving Dorian, I didn’t just bang out a manuscript, blithely choose cover art and throw it out onto the market for purchase. I researched. I looked up everything from the proper way to write a memoir to standard font styles and sizes and paper choices. I also looked at the cover designs of other memoirs about sexual assault, domestic violence and stalking. Do you know what I found? Every other memoir’s cover design was dark and brooding. Blacks, dark purples, reds and grays were the colors of choice for these stories. The artwork often times depicted violence or had dreary, foreboding images. It didn’t take long for me to realize that the cover design for a story which is subtitled, “A Memoir of Hope” was going to need to be very different than anything else that was on the market.

There’s also a lot written in writer-y digests about “knowing your target audience”. This directive gave me pause on more than one occasion, primarily because to say that I had a “target audience” was a bit of an understatement. Leaving Dorian was not just written with victims and survivors of domestic violence in mind; I wrote it for them. Leaving Dorian is my gift to them. Leaving Dorian says, “I see you.” It says, “I believe you.” It cries out, “I found my way to freedom and you can, too! Reach out. Seek help. Believe.”

The cover of Leaving Dorian is done in soft neutrals and pastels because if “hope” had a color, it wouldn’t be that of a bruise. The artwork is neat and clean, almost minimalist, because chaos isn’t. The type face is 12 point font (like that of a young adult novel) and not 8 or 9, as is standard in books written for adults, because I remembered very well trying to fill out forms and read documents when I first left my ex-husband. The tiny fonts were frustrating to manage when my brain was awash in the thousand thoughts that I had to think every minute just to manage myself in the “outside” world after being penned in an abusive relationship for nearly a decade.  The pages are off white and soft to the touch because when trying to focus, pages that look and feel like they’re out of a textbook can be intimidating. Leaving Dorian was structured to be inviting because it can’t do its job if it’s not read.

Thank you to Judge #53 for what is, on the whole, a very thoughtful, thorough, fantastic  review! And I’ll take the “3” on cover design, because I’m keeping it 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

J-E-R-K

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Do you know a J-E-R-K?

“J” is for JUSTIFICATION. This person believes that everything they do, say, think and believe is right and beyond reproach. This person is literally never wrong. If you dare point out a flaw in their actions, words, thought process or belief system, you immediately become the enemy and are accused of trying to hurt them, tear them down psychologically or emotionally or (the most egregious of all sins) embarrass them.

“E” is for ENTITLEMENT. This person believes that it is their right to do with you whatever they like. Every part of you, from the most intimate pieces of yourself (your body, self-concept, self-esteem, value system, ideology) to those things that you cherish outside of yourself (relationships with family members, friends, pets; even your belongings) are theirs to criticize, manipulate, diminish or destroy.

“R” is for REALITY. This person believes that they, alone, are allowed define and judge the way in which you experience every situation. Your opinion doesn’t matter. How you feel doesn’t matter. They will tell you what you experienced and how you ought to feel about it and if you refuse to see things their way, you are deemed wrong, stupid, obtuse, phony, crazy, etc.

“K” is for KNOWLEDGE. At times, this person will try to convince you that they are so in love/angry/drunk/overwhelmed that they lose control of themselves. Other times they’ll want you to believe that the controlling, hurtful way that they treat you is for your own good or that you bring it upon yourself. This person tries to cut friends, family members, work mates and neighbors out of your life under the guise of “loyalty” to them or to the relationship, because they understand that knowledge is power. They don’t want you to know anyone else’s opinion of the relationship.

There’s another word that perfectly describes someone who’s a “J-E-R-K”. Seven letters, starts with an “A” and ends with an “E”. (No; not that word – but good guess and accurate description nonetheless!) The word I’m talking about is “A-B-U-S-I-V-E”. If your significant other fits even one of the descriptions above, it might be time to sit down and talk to someone. There are help centers available in every city as well as online (www.ncadv.org, www.nomore.org, www.safehorizonorg ). No one deserves to be treated the way that the J-E-R-K in your life is treating you. You deserve better than that. Please reach out for confidential help and please don’t wait. Life is too short to waste hanging out with a J-E-R-K.

Academic Reviews of “Leaving Dorian”

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“I (enjoyed) your eloquent book (Leaving Dorian). The writing was great and I loved the way you juxtaposed the leaving chapters, reminding everyone it is a process, not a single event, with the rest of the relationship. The details were all too familiar from dozens of other similar cases, many with not such happy endings. I think we need to put a much greater emphasis on the ‘safety work’ women do after they get out.” – Evan Stark, Ph.D, MSW, Professor Emeritus, Rutgers University and author of “Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life”

“Linda Dynel’s Leaving Dorian is an impactful read, and one I assign regularly in my graduate Domestic Violence courses. Leaving Dorian provides my students with insights on the adversities and challenges that survivors may experience, both during and after their violent relationship. Further, Dynel’s book highlights foreshadowing life experiences prior to her relationship with Dorian, which help students understand risk factors and red flags associated with unhealthy relationships, as well as the evolution and cyclical nature of domestic violence. Assigned as the first book of the semester, my students consistently discuss and relate Dynel’s book to other class readings and material throughout the remaining semester, and frequently share that it is their favorite read of the class. It is readily apparent that Leaving Dorian resonates with them long after they finish reading the book, as it provides students with a glimpse into one survivor’s harrowing journey to escape relationship violence. In short — Dynel’s Leaving Dorian is a must read!” – Dana L. Radatz, Ph.D., Assistant Professor, Criminology & Criminal Justice, Niagara University

“Linda Dynel’s gripping account of the ongoing abuse she endured while living with her now ex-husband Dorian serves as a wake-up call to all human service professionals. Not only must we conduct assessments of our clients we fear may be at-risk for domestic violence but reach out into the communities where we work.  As Ms. Dynel reveals in her book, domestic violence is insidious: victims of abuse are often not in a position to reach out for help on their own behalf. Instead, it is incumbent on professionals to become more attuned to the dynamics of domestic violence; educate other health and human service professionals to do the same; and advocate on behalf of victims for services that are adequate, appropriate, and accessible.” – Robert H. Keefe, PhD, ACSW, Associate Professor, University at Buffalo School of Social Work  

“I chose Leaving Dorian for my Domestic Violence course based on the recommendation of a respected Victimologist. I am SO glad I did. The book served as the ‘focal point’ of our entire semester, and we were able to apply all of the principles we’d discussed in class about intimate partner violence to Linda’s real experience. For my students, some of the aspects of the book that stood out were religious abuse, psychological abuse, the effect of abuse on children, and how truly hard it is for a person to leave an abusive situation. We spent an entire week of class time just discussing this book in detail. I have had several students tell me this was the most worthwhile read of our entire semester together; it is an easy and powerful read that moves at a fast pace. I am so grateful Linda wrote about her harrowing ordeal in such detail. I truly believe this book has changed my students’ lives.” – Dr. Danielle Slakoff, Assistant Professor of Criminology and Justice, Loyola University New Orleans

“The DV community owes you a huge thank you for putting yourself out there so honestly and bravely. It’s quite common and easy for people who haven’t been in a violent relationship to pass judgement, especially when kids are involved. You so effectively dispelled many of the common stereotypes, which is just so critical in higher ed. I can lecture until I’m blue in the face but it doesn’t have near the impact of a first hand account. The other piece that will be so effective is the support you will provide other survivors. It is very easy (for victims) to feel alone and to think you’re the only person this happened to. As an academic-activist, I can also say that it was very helpful to come across your book as there does not seem to have been much published from a personal account in recent years.” – Dr. Angie Moe, Professor of Sociology, Western Michigan University

“I decided to use Leaving Dorian because it humanizes topics we cover in my class.  I always cover topics pertaining to men’s violence against women, and I like to use items that help students better understand these topics in ways that go beyond the sensationalized (and depersonalized) ways in which they typically hear about them.” – Dr. James Sutton, Hobart and William Smith Colleges 

“I REALLY liked the book – found it very engaging and hard to put down, though it was also painful to read. It’s the kind of story that a LOT of women can relate to. It is a very fine contribution to the growing body of literature on this horrendous problem of intimate partner abuse.” – Dr. Maureen Hannah, NYS Licensed Psychologist and Professor of Psychology, Siena College

Biography: Linda Dynel

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After trying her hand at writing everything from newspaper articles to novels for more than a decade, in 2013 Linda Dynel decided that it was time to pen a story that was closer to her heart; the story of the day that she left her abusive husband. After hearing time and again from publishing houses and agents that it was “…a great read, but I don’t know who I’d sell it to…” Ms. Dynel took the leap and published it herself as an ebook in February of 2014. Within months the feedback pouring in convinced her that a paperback copy of Leaving Dorian had to be made available if it was going to reach its intended audience, that being victims and survivors of domestic violence as well as students and educators.

From Connie Little, Executive Director of Turning Point DV Services of Prestonburg, KY:  “Leaving Dorian takes you through a personal journey of intimate partner violence and the enormous psychological tension preceding physical abuse. The book illustrates the re-victimization many women endure, and the strength of the human spirit to overcome. This is a must-read and should be on the required reading list for all DV advocates. I’m recommending it to the Kentucky Coalition Against Domestic Violence for their required book list for certification.”

A little more than four years after its initial publication, Leaving Dorian has been widely read by DV help center coordinators and directors and is used as training tool for staff as well as a support text with clients. Leaving Dorian has also found a home in post-secondary education; it’s being used as both supplemental and required texts by professors at St. John Fisher College, Niagara University, The University at Buffalo, Hobart and William Smith Colleges, Hilbert College, Western Michigan University, Siena College, Sam Houston University and Loyola University at New Orleans in both graduate and undergraduate Psychology, Criminal Justice, Family Counseling and Sociology courses, as well as with the Niagara County Law Enforcement Academy. It was also recently listed as a ‘Recommended Read’ on domesticshelters dot org.

In addition to working with college students, Linda spends much of her time presenting workshops and lectures on her experience with domestic violence to agencies and groups in the community. She is also member of The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Speakers Bureau and has worked with the Niagara County Sheriff Victim’s Assistance Unit, providing a DV Peer Mentoring Program in the women’s jail facility.

The Zonta Club of Niagara Falls, NY, chose Leaving Dorian as the cornerstone of their 2015 DV Initiative, “Zonta Says NO – 16 Days of Activism” and distributed copies of Leaving Dorian to local women’s shelters, DV help centers, high schools, churches and libraries. Ms. Dynel was also honored to be asked to participate in “The Clothesline Project” at St John Fisher College and “Take Back the Night” at Niagara University and is the recipient of the YWCA of Niagara’s 2016 Entrepreneur Award and the Zonta Club of Niagara Falls 2016 Woman of Distinction Award.

Her first novel, “Sunrise and the Seven One Six”, was released in February of 2015. She is currently working on the sequel to Leaving Dorian. Ms. Dynel lives in Buffalo, New York, with her son.

For seminar information and available booking dates, please contact: ellabardpressinc@gmail.com

Photo by http://www.rjdunnphoto.com

Free Preview

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Until recently, this Free Preview feature has only been available directly through Amazon. I’m loving the fact that my readers can now peruse a bit of each of my books for free without having to log onto Amazon; just click the link under the book cover!

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https://read.amazon.com/kp/embed?asin=B00IAZ108S&asin=B00IAZ108S&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_69ZAxb8E4MYAP